i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
