someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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