dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
