oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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