Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
