he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
