i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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