I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
