dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
