Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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