Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
