Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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