Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
