She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize