I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
