I'm going to jail i love you
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
