I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
