I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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