Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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