i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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