If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
