My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
