God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
