dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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