so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
