I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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