dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize