I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
