My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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