I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
