Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
