im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
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