I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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