I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I see more hoeing in ur future
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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