the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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