I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
