i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize