My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
