I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
