I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
