sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
