I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
