You're completely useless in the revolution.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
