Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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