Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
