How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
