I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
