Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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