why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
