I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
