mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
