turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
