As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize