My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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