Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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