I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
