Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize