At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
