Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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