I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
