When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
