We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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