I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
