you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
