I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
