I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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