Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
